I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
