haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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