my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
