ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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