time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
