if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
