happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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