i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
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She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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