my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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