I'm sorry my penis didn't work
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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