just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
