Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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