I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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