Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
