I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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