I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
