like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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