wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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