Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
