My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
