Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
