he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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