I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
