Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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