if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
