I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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