I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
