i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
