out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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