turn off your phone and go to bed
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement