I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach