i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
