it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
