The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
