I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
