I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
