The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
