Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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