Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
