found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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