my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
