I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
