I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
