Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
