You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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