Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(434): View more from Virginia

Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.

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(+33): View more from France

It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"

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(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

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(917): View more from New York City

Anderson Cooper just came out.

(212): View more from New York

Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.

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(207): View more from Maine

I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.

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(616): View more from Michigan

in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.

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(530): View more from California

I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie

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