Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
