I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
