I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
be right there i have to get my cape
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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