The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
