I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
