I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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