she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
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So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker