I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
