Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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