just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
