my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
bring money and cleavage
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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