Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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